Giving names and title to something is hard so whatever. I’m going to write what flows from my stream of consciousness.
Its like a typical addict’s promise of the last hit, its usually not going to happen. Yesterday I didn’t write anything here. I did wrote something in my physical journal which I got to do everyday.
Since its almost impossible to entirely avoid checking social media updates, at least I didn’t stare at it for hours. The problem with social media is the gaming side of it which force you to see the current scores — represented by number of shares, retweets, replies, comments and likes. Especially Twitter Analytics which really draws my inner geekiness for statistics.
Talking about social media, there’s a social media which pays you using cryptocurrency. It can be exchanged to your local currency, but I’m not in the mood to talk about it now.
Talking about mood, the mood swings I had sometimes seems manageable because my constant journal-ing showed me a pattern. I’m a morning person, but after few hours of waking stress level seems to go up and my brain go haywire. That haywire part can put me into some sort of memory loop, false perception, alienation from reality, which is paralysing.
I’m cool I guess because with medication and understanding, those condition currently only last for few minutes to an hour. I can just put my head under the pillow and wait for the pain to go away.
While writing this I realised it doesn’t entirely go away, the residue is still there. The difference is that I can at least share some tips to overcome schizophrenia. This is not a silver bullet for everyone, but recognising the trigger and time does help a lot.
I’m not depressed, but there is pain, sadness and anger there while the thing happened to me. Its an agonising delusion which paralyse. That is the easiest way to describe it.
Walled by fear
Tortured by tears
Suffer without reason
Punishment worse than treason
Non-existence seems a better option.
Just work on stuff everyday for what matters most. Never stop or quit. Let it snowball and turn to some large glacier or whatever.