When you feel like shit you turn to shit. I’m writing this not while I feel like shit, but while reflecting on it because if I really feel like shit I can’t even get out of my internal torment. While suffering that torment, I can’t move much, interact with human, I’m basically like the living dead. Worse come to worse, I fainted then wakes up again –depressingly sad, numb and motionless. There’s no reason behind it even after contemplating on it while I am in a sane and stable state of mind.
Am I scared to shit until I feel like shit then I shit because I am scared of some shit?
Writing for me is easier than talking because I talk more on chatrooms and forums during my teenage years until now. I spent more time on IRC, Yahoo Messenger and now Social Media platform like Twitter where I share my thoughts especially by ReTweeting. I guess my verbal synapses are more connected to my fingers than my tongue.
Tomorrow will be the premier of Game of Thrones. I want to wait until the season ends then binge watching, but I guess I want to join the band wagon of people out there commenting, anticipating and speculating online while waiting for the next episode aired.
On my Twitter account there seems to be a complete disconnect with my post here and I guess my physical self. Depending on the medium or situation, I felt a sense of disconnectedness and incoherence. Maybe that is normal for a schizoid, but hard for even myself to get along with someone like myself.
Sometimes I’m busy with cryptocurrency and a lot of stuff. Better to enjoy myself than dwell in sadness. As I am now 35 — don’t know if I have another 35 — why I need to put more weigh on my back. The emotional weight of other’s expectation, negative emotions, degradation, and all of those heaps of things which can slide me back into the valley of death.
Paradoxically the valley of death is cool, but most people association to it with the negative and painful signal which I can’t compute really hurts me. Not in a girly emotional teeny way, but in a disgusting I want to vomit and shit in my pants kinda way.
At most level I can’t really connect with people, maybe Tony Robbins can help that. After watching the Netflix documentary I am Not Your Guru I guess I need to join his cult. Prior to that I was contemplating of joining an Indian Christian Pastor that can heal with the power of a DVD. Hallelujah!
- A schizoid is not to be confused with schizophrenic, but a schizophrenic can confused himself or his doctor as having schizoid.