If you are too lazy, impatient or just too busy I can straight away tell you I’m a Schizophrenic so I don’t function and perceive reality like most normal human suppose to be. So I ask forgiveness to everyone I’ve wronged or felt wronged by me.
For those that knew me, forgive me for skipping details because I’m not intending to write a novel. I wish that I can compress this in a more easy to understand format, but I am a bad writer so I can’t write in a very clear fashion. I will try my best to answer the questions I assume you might inquire.
Why Reveal It Now?
Even God’s words took time to reveal itself to us even after it is revealed. My point is that its not easy to really express something especially if you are not a Supreme Being, Prophet and blessed with a healthy sane mind. It took effort just to even construct a coherent paragraph because after many attempts of writing I realise that I suffer a common symptom of Schizopherenia which was Word Salad.
Right now I realised that previously I wasn’t sane enough to realise I was insane. Thanks to constant help from the Psychiatrist, Spirtual Healers, Self Help Gurus, Religious Text, Scholars of Secular and Divine Knowledge, My Family, Those That I Forget Mention My Sweet Memories, Friends, The Beloved, The Dead, Prophets and GOD I guess I can at least witness my own psychosis to the point of admitting it as it is. Even that don’t really quite make sense because its like sanely observing one’s insanity.
After many deliberation I can ascertain that it was better for me to reveal my condition in order to move on. I am not asking for sympathy, justice or your money from sharing this. I’m also not planning to ‘raise awareness’ or become some Mental Health Advocate, I just want my statement on my health as a one off thing to move on and share things I enjoy.
Some might go against my decision to reveal this because it might destroy my reputation including my whole family. But, if we ponder it long enough you will realise that if I go ahead in life someone might use the skeletons in my closet to destroy reputation that I have built along the way.
I can’t hope to hide it amongst my close friends and family, its already in the record of few hospitals and government departments. Obviously its a futile effort for me to pretend as “normal”. If someone want to use ad hominem against me, I have cards under my sleeve.
There’s nothing to be proud of, only something which needs to be inform because even if people trying hard being courteous by treating me like any other person would end up in an ugly regrettable situation. So let this be a way for me to slowly approach and integrate with society as they are going to have difficult time with people like me.
“The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.”
—Neil Gaiman, University of the Arts commencement speech
I have re-written this entry a couple of times, after re-reading it I realised that I had gone haywire until I don’t understand what I was supposedly talking about. Even deliberately writing coherently is very difficult.
So I have trouble with organising communication. My immediate family and doctors are currently the one I can convey my message with proper feedback. Sometimes my symptom can become a problem even for people that are very close to me, I’m afraid to spark a conversation that will offend others to a point it becomes a senseless conflict.
More than a year ago my condition went to a downward spiral for no apparent reason because before that things seem to be — as if — getting better. It was so bad, the doctor had to inject me with Fluanxol which turn me into a conscious walking dead. If you ever saw those people in Mental asylum walking around non-stop, that was how I looked like I guess. Maybe, its my imagination, but I think I was like observing myself on the back seat of my mind.
Now I’m on Olanzapine, occasionally sleepy and lack of focus. Previously I had risperdal from different derivative because of allergy. I guess I had clorazil too, but I hate the side effects. It made you dead inside. I also gone to those spiritual therapy, but there were no demons, Ifrit, Marid, Satan or some dude named Joe possessing me.
While I’m writing this I am very much sane, but not entirely so I do empathise the sane if they can’t understand the condition I’m talking about. Most people would confuse schizophrenia with split personality, but the movie version of some dude in hallucinatory state is the most accurate.
Its hard to compare Schizophrenia to other mental illness, because sometimes it comes with a combo of other mental illness. I had anxiety which almost feels like PTSD and chronic depression while experiencing paranoid schizophrenia. It was like hell on earth.
Its hard to admit I had this mental problem since early 2002 then re-diagnosed on 2013 because I hate admitting myself as such. So years gone by ignoring the symptom until it gone worse. I tried my best to be as normal as possible, but this is who I am. I can’t hide it behind other problems which are also real like my hypertension and a lot of tragedies which I’m reluctant to share right now.
Why I didn’t reveal this earlier? Again, obviously an insane person can’t accept that he is insane.
So this is just it, I’m tired of talking about this topic because there are more people out there that are dedicated to create awareness on metal illness. I’m not asking for your sympathy or expecting most people to understand me. No one will be liked by everyone, even God have his haters. I just want to share this because hiding it too long becomes a burden. No matter how much I try not to use it as an excuse, one day it will be revealed.
Society got less problem with famous people revealing themselves as gay, so why should I hide something that is out of my control. One way or another people will know anyway.
Rather than hiding my skeletons in the closet, I shall use those skeletons as a decoration. I don’t know, but after 3000 words I re-edit this entry to around a thousand so it doesn’t waste anyone’s time. I am drafting more entry, hopefully I can post everyday about things I love like Geo-Political Issue, War, Philosophy, Religion, Books I Read, My Coin Collection, Shows and Movies I watched, Farming, Gardening, Computers, Programming, Fintech, Trends, Sufism, General Spirituality, History. Hopefully my entry will end up into a vlog. I’m also going to post this on Steemit. There’s a lot of things I want to share before I can go back to society as a sane non-offensive adult.
Currently I’m a certified disabled, since I hardly can go out long or further enough. It doesn’t make sense, so I don’t expect anyone to understand this. I don’t know how to explain it, but it will take some time for me to recover and at least have normal human contact.
I ask for forgiveness to all that read this and tell those that knew me that I need their prayers and forgiveness. I don’t hold grudges, revenge or going to force anyone to pay my debt. My situation is very embarrassing, but what can I do about it because no matter how hard I try to hide something it will be revealed anyways.
I’m too tired to argue or debate on right or wrong, please let me move on. I would like to share memories I had before, but as you know my brain don’t function well so I don’t remember some events or people I have met. Plus, I have many false memories which I realised after being sane and having conversation with my sibling on things which had happened. I wish one day I can meet those that I have met and spent time so I can refresh my memory and reconnect those splintered synapse of mine.
Before waiting for my next entry, I share with you one of my favourite…